the narrow path to the super highway

It's an image thing I know, but I like to see myself as someone who travels the path less trod when it comes to popular culture. I always have done. Aged ten I was in a primary school surrounded by Manchester United and Liverpool football fans - so I support Newcastle United. In secondary school all my friends supported the Ulster rugby team - I chose to follow London Irish instead. At university I started watching a new american sitcom, rather uninspiringly called 'Friends.' I quite liked it, until everyone seemed to be watching it and I lost interest. The same thing happened with the West Wing, and so on and so on.

And now I'm in a quandary. I was browsing the shelves of my local second hand book school when I happened upon a little orange paperback that looked like it hadn't been read at all. Intrigued I took a quick scan, checked the blurb, and eventually bought it thinking I might have found another hidden gem.

A few days later my sister was talking to me when she spotted the book lying on my desk. "Ah" she said, "You're reading 'One Day'"
"I haven't started it yet. Have you heard of it then?"

And so it turns out that my little orange paperback is not so much a hidden gem as a glittering jewel that's been on display in a national museum for the past two years. It has been extensively reviewd and garnered mainly positive write ups. It was the best selling british novel in 2010 and has sold over a million copies. According to the Times "it is only a matter of time before you read 'One Day'" And to make matters worse a screenplay version of it has just opened in the cinemas this week.

How can I be so far behind the Zeitgeist? You've all heard of it - so how have I missed it? When did I wander off my little less trod path and veer onto the slip road for the M1?

So you see my dilemma. Do I ignore my image issues and become the 60,141st person to read it this week; or do I return it, spine unbroken, to a little secondhand bookshop somewhere. Dammit! That's already been done!

the consummate professional

Teaching is a unique profession. Having said that, like other professions, teachers have to behave in a certain way even when they're not in school. We are expected to set an example to those around us. Take me for example - when I do something wrong my first concern is that no one who knows I'm a teacher witnessed it. Well, maybe not my first concern but it's up there.

Take a situation, for example, where a teacher is out shopping for groceries. There I was in Coleraine ASDA looking at some computer game reviews in their magazine section when I spotted a couple of my pupils entering with their parents. Conscious of the fact that it would never do for me to be seen to be promoting video games (when my job requires that I promote reading, reading and more reading) I immediately dropped the magazine and stealthily made my way to the fiction shelf of the book section. The consummate professional. The professional who quickly grabs the nearest hardback when he hears the whisper behind him,"Mum, that's my teacher, Mr C!"

The professional who tries a quick turn and flash of his professional smile only for the book he was holding to wrench itself free of his grasp and enlist a dozen or so followers from other shelves on its slow motion journey to the ground. The professional who, in trying to catch at least some of the falling books trips on his own feet and goes sprawling into the pile on the floor.

I try a little one sided smile as if this happens all the time

"He's the special needs teacher."

"Figures."

Always the dignified professional.

Free words for all!

I’m a book crosser. Not a cross dresser, nor a professional lollipop man – a book crosser. I give books away. Loads of them. Usually I pop them into one of those industrial bin things with Oxfam or something written on the front; but sometimes I print off a label from the internet, stick it on the inside front cover and leave the book somewhere public for the world to find. Share the wealth. Pay it forward. I read a book, I like a book, I leave it for someone else to enjoy, safe in the knowledge that my kind deed will be reciprocated in the future – literary karma.

The problem is, and I have to admit this has slightly disillusioned me, - I have never seen anyone else leave any books anywhere. I’m doing all the giving and none of the receiving. And to make matters worse not one of my tracked books has reappeared on the web site. They have all just disappeared into the ether.


It’d be ok if I could make myself believe that people did pick them up who would appreciate them – that their journey continues in silent, anonymous, perpetual motion. But an image of an over-zealous cleaner grabbing them along with three empty harp cans and dumping them into a bin bag which is then transferred to one of those XL wheelie bins before being chewed into an apathetic truck and spat into a landfill site without a single sentence being read keeps me awake at night.

Or alternatively they might have been picked up by a magpie of an aspiring reader who likes their covers and thinks they might fit in with the new kitchen colour scheme – but not a thought as to the convoluted adventures that await past those shiny covers.

If you happen by a lonely looking novel sitting in a bus depot or a coffee shop and notice that it obviously has no owner – look inside and see if it has one of those cheap printed labels. It may have been left there just for you, it could be the best book you’ll ever read, it could be fate. You never know it may even be one of mine. People of the world search out these orphaned books and give them a home, but more than that – give them a companion.

education to come?

A quick quote from a novel I read recently. Hayley McDonald’s, school kid in the future, has just finished performing a presentation on why she loves America. This is in a time when corporations have become so powerful that they are more important than government, so important that our surname depends not on our family, but on who we work for:

The teacher jotted something in his folder. McDonald’s-sponsored schools were cheap like that: at Pepsi school everybody had notebook computers. Also their uniforms were much better. It was hard to be cool with the Golden Arches on your back.
-Jennifer Government - Max Barry

The novel is a very enjoyable read. I also found parts of it (such as the exert above) more than a little disturbing. Disturbing in that I can see them happening. There is a huge disclaimer that the start of the book attempting, I assume, to ward off law suites from Mattel, McDonalds, Pepsi, the NRA and especially Nike. It points out that the novel is a work of complete fiction – that none of the events would ever happen.

The thing is I can see some of it happening. The big corporations already influence government – is it such a wild jump to imagine them usurping it? The sponsored schools thing – well that scares me stiff. So you can imagine my horror when I picked up a copy of this year’s school magazine and looked at the back. There, in bright writing, is a list of companies who have ‘helped out’ the school in the past year. It was a long list. A similar list has been put on the brand new minibus that those companies ‘helped’ us buy.

I’m inclined to give the benefit of the doubt and consider such help community involvement rather than out and out sponsorship but how long will it be before we cross the line that we’ve been kicking recently? How long before I’m teaching maths using Tesco price lists?

The pile of books you can see to the left is testament to the reading crusade I went on over the past couple of months.

They are (from the top)
Stalking The Angel (Robert Crais, Orion), Bono on Bono (Michka Assayas, Hodder), The Burglar Who Liked to Quote Kipling (Lawrence Block, No Exit Press), The Screwtape Letters (CS Lewis, Harper Collins), Hush Money (Robert B Parker, No Exit Press), Sunset Express (Robert Crais, Orion), The Forgotten Man (Robert Crais, Orion), The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom, Time Warner), Belfast Confidential (Colin Bateman, Headline), Redeeming Creatures (David Williamson,), This is for Real (George Bates, Ambassador), The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (Mark Haddon, Vintage), Home from the Vinyl Café (Stuart McLean, Granta) Not included in the photo are Hostage (Robert Crais, Orion) and Long Way Down (Nick Hornby, Penguin)


My A-level English Lit buddy ("I think Shakespeare’s a lot like Tarantino") has created a list of his films of 2006 (perhaps a little prematurely) so I thought I would create a similar list of my books of 2006. Now very few of these titles actually came out this year but they are all titles I have read in the last eight or nine months.


History as it should be award
1066 and All That – WC Sellar & RJ Yeatman
If events didn’t happen as they suggest in this book they should have. Hugely amusing and informative (even if it is mostly lies) This should be on the GCSE syllabus.

Knowledge that you don’t even know you don’t know of the year award.
March Hares and Monkeys Uncles – Harry Oliver
This really opened my eyes – I thought I knew all about where language came from until I read this. You want to know where a particular phrase came from and you’ll find it here.

Chance to suck up to university tutor/novelist award.
The Garden of Eden All Over Again – Jude Collins
I only bought it because I used to be taught by the author and he gave me a good evaluation. Having said that I really got into it and found the Irish landscape recognisable and realistic – which can’t often be said.

Only overrated because it was rated so highly 2006
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – Mark Hamil
You’ve all heard of this story. Its wonderful, its original. Hamil gave a disturbingly recognisable portrayal of a kid with asperger’s. I really enjoyed it. But it wasn’t as great as the hype suggested.

Addictive movie script novels 2006.
The Elvis Cole Series – Robert Crais
I wrote an entire rant about these before. Read it here.

American private investigator novel of the year
Hush Money – Robert B Parker
You thought my Crais addiction would have me giving him this award as well? Parker shows Crais how it should be done. However this book has also been nominated for the ridiculously short chapters and weird line spacing book of the year – Do people really have such short attention spans that they can’t read more than three pages at a time?

Surreal mix of traditional myth and period drama in one award.
Villa Incognito – Tom Robbins
I got confused after page two but then really got into it. A refreshingly original way of presenting ancient myth – Much better than the rest of the story.

Sentimental if flawed view of the afterlife award
The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom
Lovely tale. Easy to read and a real feel good story.

The blatant plug award
Redeeming Creatures – David Williamson
Trying not to be biased – I found this little piece of inspiration writing very easy to read. Witty, interesting and challenging. Buy it. Now. It may just change the way you view life.

The ‘end it now’ award for a series that needs a conclusion.
Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction – Sue Townsend
Reasonably enjoyable romp through current affairs. I just think it will date quickly and Sue isn’t finding it as easy to find the voice of an adult male.


And finally


My book of 2006 (so far)
The Burglar Who Liked to Quote Kipling - Lawrence Block
This is my favourite book I’ve read this year (so far.) It made me long to be rich enough to fund a film version starring Kevin Spacey. Here we have a thief with a difference solving a crime with a difference. Witty, intelligent, fast paced – and with a climax Agatha Christie would have been proud of.


If you have read any of these I’d love to hear whether you agree or disagree with what I have to say about them. Please comment with some recommendations of your own. And don’t forget to add your views to Dave’s film post.

I'm addicted to elvis cole

I don't want to be. It pains me to admit it to educated people like yourself. I am trained in English Literature on both sides of the atlantic. I like to think I know what makes good literature and what makes trash-lit. Robert Crais may be an incredibly successful author but he is hardly high art - and yet I can't get enough of his writing.

For those of you who don't know, Robert Crais is the author of the best-selling Elvis Cole novels. He grew up in Louisiana and started off writing short stories and making home movies (sound familiar? well, maybe not the Louisiana bit.) After moving to Hollywood he wrote scripts for Cagney and Lacey (Woohoo!), Hill Street Blues and Miami Vice (The non-Colin Farrell version.) Eventually he created the character of Elvis Cole, a rather sharp talking Hollywood Private Investigator, for a stand alone novel called The Monkey's Raincoat. But one novel was never going to be enough and the Elvis Cole series began, and ten books in shows no sign of stopping. He does write other non-Cole novels, you may have heard of Demolition Man or Hostage (didn't they make that one into a movie? - maybe somebody can update me)

So far so good - but it gets even better for Crais. He's had books on the New York times Best Seller List, Beach book of the week and Page turner of the week for People magazine; He's been nominated for the Mary Higgins Clark Award and the Edgar Award among aothers; He's won the Dilys Award for mystery novels, the Shamus Best PI Novel Award and the Antony Award for Best Paperback Publication; he's even been nominated for an Emmy.

So what is the problem? Well to be frank I don't like most of his characters; he underdevelops some of the main players and overdevelops the bit-parters; he tries to hard to be descriptive and ends up detailing every turn off in every road journey his character takes (do we really need to know the road names?) he signposts clues to the plot in very obvious ways; he takes huge diversions which have no relevence to the story; his subplots are trite; he doesn't trust the reader to pick up any clever touches or sarcastic comments without pointing them out; he stereotypes race despite the fact that his, also heavily stereotyped PI protaganist, is politically correct to the point of nausea [deep breath] He is so intent on maintaining the series that his conclusions are generally always unsatisfying; when Cole cooks a meal we get a full ingredient and method recipe for the meal; Cole's sickly relationship with Lucy wastes valuable reading time that I will never get back. The thing I like to dislike the most is the way every restauant Elvis Cole enters is descibed in minute detail along with a glowing review of the food (Robert Crais must get the best seat in every restaurant in LA) I do like the cat. Cole's cat is cool.
And yet I'm hooked. I can't get enough of Robert Crais' writing and, specificly, the Elvis Cole stories. It all started when someone dumped a pile of books in the staffroom with a note saying "free to a good home" I picked up a couple of novels I'd heard of and a random pick. That random pick was Sunset Express - number six in the series. I left it at the bottom of the pile of holiday books I'd bought, stolen, borrowed and didn't expect much from it. When I did eventually read it I tutted and winced my way through it. In my mind I imagined using it to point out pitfalls a creative writer might make (I often imagine being a lecturer.) I sighed a relieved sigh when I made it to the end. I got in my car, drove to Waterstones and bought another. I don't know why but I had to find out more about this hawaiian shirt wearing PI with the attitude ridden cat. Three weeks later and I have now read four of the series and am working my way through number five. I have no intention of stopping there. I'll have read all ten by Christmas and be waiting impatiently (the way I do for the release of each season's Scrubs on DVD) for the next one to come along... and there will be a next one. I read the latest last week and it had, as ever, an unsatisfying end. I don't know exactly how Crais will end the series but I'm confident he'll make it clear to us all that he has when he does.

Mr Crais, if by some fluke you ever stumble across this, please don't be offended by my dismissal of your work. You may not be alongside the greats in my estimation but you have something that very few authors have, something I can't describe. I can't describe it because I don't understand it. As soon as I do I'm going to make myself very rich.