talking of names...

Talking of names... It only just struck me today, as I was passing out classwork books to my year 11s...

...actually let me start a bit further back. One of the sub teacher's magic tricks I have yet to master is the ability to learn 300 names in a week. I am rubbish with names and my pupils know it. The trouble kids I (ironically) have no trouble with. I usually know their names in 30 minutes - but the quiet ones... usually i have just about learned their names by the time I leave to move on to a new school. Right now I rely on a less than reliable pupil to help me fill in the register for my form class every morning.

I do try. Really I do. One of the little things I do to try and memorise is making a point of handing out classwork books myself - it gives me a chance to relate the name on the book to the face on the pupil and where they usually sit in the classroom. It adds a minute or two to the beginning of the lesson but it works for me. But names are still a problem for me.

I've also come to realise that pupils are obsessed with names. Namely christian names.

'what's your name Sir?'
'mr Campbell.'
'your first name.'
'mr.'
'nawwwh... what's your real name.'
'why do you want to know?'
'we know all our teachers' names.'
'well then, let me be different.'
'why?'
'because it's important to be unique.'
'yeah - but what's your name?'

I have no problem with pupils knowing my name - I just have problems with the inevitable few who love to push boundaries. Maybe if I didn't make such a big thing of it they wouldn't care less. I've tried that though and it still results in a couple of mindless comedians yelling my first name across the playground to... actually I'm not sure why. Maybe they have their reasons.

Today as I was handing them back their work, the books had arranged themselves into an order which made me notice something I hadn't spotted before:

Matthew... Mark... Luke... Jonathon...

I made some comment about the names, how I had a biblical name too; which led to them asking what it was,

'1st and 2nd Corinthians'

For some reason they didn't laugh.

there's creative and there's insane

Sometimes parents bemuse me. Actually a lot of the time parents bemuse me - sometimes they make me freeze in utter shock. And one of the things that never fails to amaze me is the utter disregard they have for their child's future when naming them. Would you trust a lawyer called Sunbeam? A doctor called Fifi trixiebell? And cute as it may be when the little one is crawling about the floor at play group, they face a world of pain from the other pupils when they reach school.

I blame celebrities. They have now become the official role models of society and as such pretty soon I should expect to have classes filled with Apples and Peaches and Moxie Crimefighters and Audio Sciences and Sage Moonbloods. The Edge called his child Blue Angel and Nicolas Cage gave his child Superman's real name (Kal El, not Clarke Kent.) How can I respect men who could do this to their own flesh and blood?

Copying celebrities can be extremely dangerous. After David and Victoria named their son after his place of conception (Brooklyn) one couple followed suit - they tried to call their son Busstop.

Yes while Celebrities can be odd, regular folks can be downright cruel. Consider life if you were called any of the following: Nasdaq, Confidenze, Orangeyello, Stallion, Batman Bin Suparman, Number 16 Bus Shelter, Violence, Laurel Hardy, Russell Sprout, Skye Rockett, Chris Cross, Mary Christmas, Barb Dwyer... the list is huge. You can check out a few that TheBabyWebsite.com found if you want more.

Some countries have laws against things like that. I remember a while back a Court in New Zealand removing a girl from her parents because they had called her Tallulah Does the Hula in Hawaii. They claimed it was a form of abuse and made her a ward of the state until she could have the name changed. That was extreme but I can understand why.

So what brought this on? Why am I suddenly so worried about names? Well this morning I encountered a pupil called Robert Sands. And anyone who calls their son that, then sends him to a Protestant School in a loyalist area of Northern Ireland clearly must be insane.

I've travelled each and every corridor; and more, much more than this...

So, this is it. I feel like breaking into a rendition of "My Way" but Frank Sinatra I ain't. Today I made my speech (lasted all of 25 seconds) picked up my wine and sauntered out the door.

Then I came in again to pack up my stuff. Many thanks to all of you... sorry, both of you, who came up with suggestions for a new name. Between you I had quite a selection to choose from. Some too rude to print, some downright nasty, some a tad unsympathetic ("The Thoughts of an Unemployed Special Needs Teacher" - thanks for that one Mr Mulligan) and some just plain odd. I was discussing the issue with a colleague a few days ago.

Oh, the Special Needs bit refers to your role in the school? I just assumed it was a comment on you personally. I thought you were just trying to be funny by describing yourself as special needs. If I were you I'd leave it - It describes you perfectly.

And so I'm leaving it. Not because of her, frankly soul destroying, advice; nor because most of the suggestions you offered were, frankly, pitiful; but because I am too darn lazy to even think about doing a redesign at the moment. Keep thinking up suggestions - maybe someday you'll offer one that makes me go - hmmm.