is this even possible?

We were discussing discursive essays. I want them to write about something that matters to them. Well, maybe I'm too lazy to come up with a range of titles and got them to do it for me. No, I refuse the guilt - it's their job to come up with the ideas and that's what they were doing.

Anyway as I was making my way round the classroom in a surreptitious manner (well, as surreptitiously as someone 6'5" tall can be) I observed their progress. They were doing pretty well. There were some imaginative topics along with the old chestnuts. But as I was skulking about I was struck motionless by a comment from a sixteen year old girl who I've come to admire for her ability to come out with randomimity. She and a partner were discussing the evils of the Internet,

I love YouTube. I would completely marry it. If YouTube were human I would marry it. Do you have to marry a human? Can you marry non humans? Is that even possible do you think? We should look into that.

I asked her what she meant but I'm afraid to say that my mind went off into its own little world as she replied. I had images of the ceremony joining human and web site in a lifelong partnership. The bride dressed in a beatiful white A line gown with a halter neck, the groom clad in badly shot cell mobile phone footage of young men performing jackass stunts. I pictured the speeches - they were a little disappointing as quality had to be reduced to fit space. And the happy couple's first dance as husband and wife - mesmorising and romantic; except for the fact that the dancing and the music were just that little bit out of synch. At least the wedding video took care of itself.

All of this took place in my mind during the time I should have been listening intently to what she had to say. I immediately felt bad that I hadn't given her the attention she deserved - from experience I would guess that her explaination would have been even more bizarre than my daydream.

reasons why i'm single (part 2 of a 78 part series)

I am so smooth sometimes it hurts. Take the other day for example. I was filming a wedding locally. Everything was going well and I was getting along royally with one of the bridesmaids. We were making serious eye contact throughout the day and as the evening party approached I had made up my mind that I was going to save the last dance for her.

One of the services I offer in my wedding packages is called the Diary Room. That is where I find myself a spare, quiet room in the Hotel (usually a broom cupboard), set up a camera and allow guests to leave private messages for the happy couple. On this occasion the bridesmaid offered to help me set up (result!)

As we worked we made small talk – and for a change I did pretty well. Pretty well that is until it all went wrong.

With the room set up the bridesmaid prepared to leave the first message. As she was sitting down she looked up, smiled sweetly and said, “When you’re editing this you will be sure to make me look pretty.” Now, I wasn’t really concentrating, I was adjusting the settings on the camera. So when I thought I heard her say “…make me look prettiER” and replied with an ultra charming, “Ah, now we both know that’s not possible.” You can understand my surprise when she didn’t speak to me again that night. The whole thing was captured on film – but you’ll understand why I don’t youtube it.

Ah well, I tried.

'previously on mickey d's'

Out for a quiet drive today I came across a McDonalds in the middle of somewhere I’d never been before – I’d tell you where but I’m not actually sure myself. Now obviously I would normally never partake of junk food - can't you tell by looking at me? But I was starving and the only other car in the car park was a vintage Rolls Royce and so I assumed it was a higher class of Mickey D's.Inside I was the only customer except for two men who were clearly a bridegroom and a chauffeur. Obviously the poor man had lost his nerve on the way to his wedding and his driver had pulled in to the nearest fast food joint for a Big Mac with a portion of counselling on the side. I was intrigued but not rude enough to actually shove my head between them and listen in on the conversation - so I can only surmise. I like to think the conversation may have gone a little like this:

Groom: I can’t do it!
Chauffeur: It’s understandable to have second thoughts on the morning of your wedding – it happens to the best of us. But we put them aside, close our eyes and take the plunge. She’s probably concerned as well but you’ll both get through this together. Think of the wonderful future you will have.
G: No, I meant I can’t eat this. Charlotte made me give up junk food.
C: You’re planning to humiliate the woman by jilting her at the altar and you’re worried she wouldn’t approve of your dietary choices?
G: She says it’s for the good of my health.
C: If you’re so worried about your health I suggest you rethink the idea of jilting the daughter of a shotgun-owning farmer. Indigestion won’t be the half of it.
G: You don’t understand – I couldn’t handle the pressure. It was like she was looking at me and expecting me to hold the key to her future, her family’s future, our country’s future… The future of the human race. I look in her eyes and see dependence. When she smiles at me it’s as if she’s trusting in me completely. Damn it I love her but I couldn’t live with myself if I ever let her down. She may trust in me but I’m not sure I trust in myself anymore.
C: You don’t think you might be being a little dramatic?
G: Why do you say that?
C: The serving staff just gave you a standing ovation.
G: What am I going to do?
C: I’ll tell you what you’re going to do – You’re going to take a bow, wipe that bit of ketchup off the side of your mouth, get to that church, marry the woman of your dreams and live happily ever after. Oh, but just one thing before you do?
G: Yes?
C: Are you going to finish those fries?

I’m a sucker for a happy ending.

I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now offend the in-laws.

Did I ever tell you how much I dislike weddings? I detest them. I abhor them. I loath them. Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not against the state of marriage in the slightest. It is a wonderful and courageous thing for two people who love each other to commit their futures as one. Its beautiful. Even the ceremony is beautiful. Its the stuff after the ceremony I can't stand. The superfluous dressing that people get so hung up about.

This is on my mind because I have been to so many weddings and wedding parties this year, including one yesterday. At last count it was six about to turn seven. So I feel I can claim to be something of an authority in this area. The trouble is that while I can confidently claim to have attended a large number of weddings and wedding parties I can't claim to have fully entered into the spirit of the occasion. Why? Because I cannot think of any other situation in which I feel less comfortable and natural. I cannot be myself and I find it very difficult to switch on another suitable persona for the day. I try, oh how I try. I do the fixed smile. I do the "What is it you do then? Oh polystyrene cup holder salesman? That must be challenging?" I do the fawning over the dress colour thing - I do everything. However, after half an hour or so I inevitably give up and retreat into my little inner world of wedding loathing. Is that wrong of me?

I got onto this discussion with a young guy from my church this morning. A recent convert to cynicism, he is still a lot closer to taking the plunge than I am. It was an odd moment; two single, wedding hating men, standing outside a church discussing how they would tackle the whole post-ceremony issue were it to arise. His solution got me thinking. He thinks it'd be good to have a barbeque beach party. No seating arrangements, no awkward small talk, no cheesy Shania Twain compilations; just steak (and roast veg for the vegetarians), a quick game of beach cricket, a couple of college friends jamming with a guitar & a set of bongos, and throwing the happy couple into the surf before sunset. Simple, clean and perhaps even fun.

Now I know there are practical considerations to bear in mind. Sand stains are a nightmare to get out of while silk and some older family members might not fancy the cricket; but isn't the concept of making your celebration unique and fun a better one than the same old dark hotel function rooms with cousin Barry spinning the disks? I have to say that despite my vehemence I have been to two or three weddings that I've really enjoyed (even one in a dark hotel function room) but they have been the ones at which people have let their hair down and forgotten all about petty family rivalries. I still remember with fond affection my brother's wedding. I remember dancing like a mad thing in a kilt and watching the oldies and the toddlers ceilidhing along with each other and not a care in the world.

I also remember being a weddings where family members smile sweetly at each other before complaining to those around them that they are 4ft further away from the top table than the 'other set'. Sad. Its amazing how these occasions can be more political than a UN summit. Who sits with who? Who do we have to invite because they invited us? Who can't we serve chicken to because of that unfortunate incident last summer?

I know which I preferred and I know which I entered into more. And I know what I would chose if the moment ever arose for me. Bring on the sand and cricket. Weather permitting.