undermined even in my own blog

...and I really needed to get my hair cut as I was beginning to look like a thug
Mar 16th 2007

The picture above was taken by one of the pupils at the SU weekend at the Faith Mission Centre in Ballymena. It seems he wanted to prove that I look like a thug all the time - haircut or not.

Ireland's Foreign Legion

Today Ireland will walk out to meet England in the Super 8 stage of the Cricket World Cup in Guyana. It's incredible to think that Ireland have managed to make it this far - to be in the top 8 teams in the World Cup is a phenomenal achievement. But this game against the English is special for one particular reason. Opening the batting for England will be a left hander Irishman called Ed.

Ed Joyce was born in Dublin - and the last time I saw him play it was for Ireland. I can't help thinking its a shame he won't be pulling on the green today - we'd stand a much better chance if he was. I don't blame him; if I was given the option of playing for more money at a much higher level I'd be a fool to turn it down. Still, I think it's a shame.

Of course Ed isn't the first, nor will he be the last, non native to play for England. They've had Scottish captains, welsh wicket keepers and at this World Cup they have players from Kenya (Jamie Dalryple) and South Africa (Kevin Pietersen & Andrew Strauss.)

It surely makes it difficult for the so-called smaller countries to compete with the top test playing nations if those nations cream off the best talent. It stands to reason that, say England had Ireland's best 4 players, they would stand a good chance of beating them every time. I understand why it happens. I just think it's a shame.

Of course Ireland are no saints themselves in this respect. The Irish team were up playing a match in Limavady a year or so ago and I went across to meet some of them at training. I think I heard two Irish accents all day. Their World Cup squad reads like this: Trent Johnston (Australian), Andre Botha (South African), Jeremy Bray (Australian), David Langford-Smith (Australian) but then we have Kenneth Carroll (Irish), Peter Gillespie (Northern Irish), Kyle McCallan (Northern Irish), John Mooney (Irish), Paul Mooney (Irish), Eoin Morgan (Irish), Kevin O'Brien (Irish), Niall O'Brien (Irish), William Porterfield (Northern Irish), Boyd Rankin (Northern Irish) and Andrew White (Northern Irish.) The difference is that the Irish have taken criticism about their foreign imports - from English pundits! Anyone notice a hint of hypocrisy anywhere there?

Trent is married to an Irish girl with two Irish kids; Jeremy Bray has lived in Ireland as long as I can remember, as has Andre Botha. People are welcome to their own opinions but in a small way it motivates us even more, particularly the guys born and bred in Ireland to show they can compete at this level.
Kyle McCallan - Ireland's Vice Captain

I think that England should remember where their two best batsmen come from. How would they like to be playing these games without Joyce and Pietersen? In my mind if an Irish team (even one with three Australians and a South African) can beat an English team (even one with two South Africans, a Kenyan and an Irishman) then there will be no shame in it whatsoever.

Northern Ireland 2 Sweden 1

Once again little Norn Iron punch above their weight and move to the top of their section in the European Qualifiers. This time Fortress Windsor Park witnessed them coming from behind to add Sweden to their list of conquests. And once again it was (sir) David Healy who scored the goals for them.

There are people out there wondering why it is that he constantly scores important goals for Northern Ireland against world class opposition like Sweden and Spain yet can’t seem to score against Coca-Cola Championship teams for Leeds United. While Northern Ireland are top of their table due to Healy’s goals (he’s scored 9 of their 10 goals in the competition – in only 6 matches) Leeds are languishing in last place in their table – and Healy has only scored 8 goals in 28 appearances.

It was David Healy who eventually broke the 1298 minute goal drought that Northern Ireland were suffering a couple of years ago. It was David Healy who reduced Ian Wright (BBC pundit) to a great big huff when his goal beat England soon after. Yet David Healy can’t even get a place in a Leeds side that is really struggling to avoid relegation. Why is that?

If we give David Healy chances he will score. He had two chances and scored both - top class, world class finishing.
N Ireland Coach, Lawrie Sanchez

Well they don’t play him from the start of the match regularly enough. Often they play him out of position. I don’t know – maybe he just likes the fact that he is the big star in the team when he plays for NI.



To be honest I don’t know and I don’t care. I just like the fact that he scores goals for his country – I’ll leave Dennis Wise to ponder the rest.



The one thing that annoyed me most yesterday was TV. During the match itself I was doing sound for a play in Bangor. All I could do was check the BBC website for the scores on my phone. It was alright – the BBC were going to be showing highlights later on when the show had finished. After the strike I went to the green room and turned the TV on.



A Match of the Day Special. Highlights from all four home countries European qualifiers… except it wasn’t really. In a 45 minute slot the “highlights” of an abysmal England game against the mighty Andorra took 35 minutes. The Northern Irish game was shown in under 2 minutes – what was the reasoning behind that then? I can only assume that some power-that-be decided that more of the population would want to see England play than Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland. But then I didn’t realise that the BBC was there to serve the majority at the expense of the minority. Anyway I won’t rant anymore – I was annoyed.



Luckily I think there’s a good chance that I got more enjoyment out of our two minutes than any England fan got out of their thirty five. And David Healy has something in common with the England players – he’s scored nine goals in the competition, and so have they.

not another day off!

“See you on Monday – oh no, that’s right – Tuesday. We get Monday off, don’t we?”

“Wednesday.”

“What?”

“Wednesday. See you on Wednesday.”

“Why?”

“Snow. We get Monday off for St Paddy’s and then it’ll snow so hard that we’ll get Tuesday off as well.”

“No - really?”

“Trust me.”

So proclaimed the highly regarded meteorologist photocopy guy Geoff. As I often do I had stopped off in the reprographic room on my way out of school. He seemed so certain, so assured of his prediction that I didn’t feel the need to question him further. Photocopy guy Geoff had said it would happen so it would happen.

I now want you to look at the above photo. Study it hard. It’s a little image I took this morning (Tuesday.) I like to call it Snowscape – Sans Snow.

Lest you be in any doubt there is definitely no snow in the picture.

Dry roads and blue skies dominate the photograph. We did not get Tuesday off.

Pupils are of the opinion that teachers fall into two camps when it comes to unexpected days off. They tell me that there are the teachers who are so grateful for a moments rest that they embrace the opportunity to sit at home and sip soup with relish. Then there are the teachers who hate days off – they can’t stand the idea of pupils out in the streets during day light hours. They hate the idea of young people having fun rather than copying out text in badly lit rooms.

Of course they aren’t a hundred miles from the truth. Teachers do have mixed emotions about unscheduled breaks in service. As a sub I hated them – I didn’t get paid for days I didn’t work. Even now I’m not so keen. Don’t get me wrong – every teacher appreciates time off and the chance to take a breather is always welcome. It also means that there is less time to get through the work we need to do at school. For teachers already pushing their pupils to meet their coursework deadlines this is very annoying. Even in my job I find that everything goes crazy while I try to get caught up on a missing day.

So what is the moral of the story for today? Well I think it has to be: If you want 36 copies of a worksheet for your year 8 drama class go to photo copy guy Geoff. If you want to know the weather – watch Angie Phillips.

hair port waiting rooms

Could somebody please tell me what a hair sanctuary is. Maybe it is a place of solace where the hairs shorn off at the nearby salons flee in order to avoid further abuse. Maybe, while they are taking refuge, people in silly hats come by in open top Landrovers and take photos of them in their natural habitat while naturalists study them for their PhDs.

I, as a County Antrim man, am of the opinion that you should call a spade a spade and a hairdresser a hairdresser. In my thirty years I have seen them called many things – hairdressing salon, hair spa, hair stylists, hair technicians, hair creators – and that’s before we begin with the awful puns they use to name their shops:

Mane Attraction, The Director’s Cut, Lunatic Fringe, Mean Streaks, Curl up and Dye, Deb n’ Hair, Hi-de-Hilites, A Cut Above, Hair Port, Talking Heads,The Cutting Room, Shear Delight, Short Cut

I could go on… but I like having the will to live so I won’t. I wouldn’t trust the little remaining hair I have to any of them. When I get sheared I look for somewhere that knows what the whole package involves. I look for an old fashioned Barber’s Shop that looks like an old fashioned Barber’s Shop with a couple of old fashioned Barber’s chairs and an old fashioned Barber. I’m sure that women are incredibly good at cutting hair – I’m sure that they are every bit as talented as men with the scissors and clippers; but only a man understands what men want when they are having their hair cut – and “So going anywhere nice for your holidays?” isn’t part of it.

The visit to the Barbers must consist of the following.

· The shop should be named either after the owner or simply called ‘The Barber Shop’.
· A red and white spinning pole thing must be visible outside to show that they have read and complied with these rules.
· There will be a squeaky door which requires just a little more force than it should do to open.
· There should be a musty odour of smoke, leather and hair dressing oil. Tea and/or coffee must not be offered to customers as this might distort the smell.
· There should be one bald apron clad operator plus an optional younger apprentice. They should be wearing shirts and (preferably) ties.
· Two men should be waiting, reading newspapers and nodding sagely at comments made by the Barber to his current client. One of these men may not be a customer at all – he will come almost daily to get away from his nagging wife. He may have a dog with him.
· Conversation must revolve around local politics, sport and the weather – nothing else. I repeat nothing else. No holidays, no clothes, no celebrity, no diets. Conversation about choice of hair cut will be restricted to single syllables and grunts.
· All conversations should involve everyone in the shop. One on one conversation should be discouraged at all times unless there are no other customers in the shop and the apprentice has popped out on an errand.
· The majority of the actual hair cut will be done with clippers that have been in service longer than London Routemaster buses. Then finished off with scissors.
· No hair cut should ever take more than twenty minutes.Anyone requesting a haircut which will take more than twenty minutes, or involving colour, should be regarded with suspicion by proprietor and other customers alike.
· Choice of hair product should range from wax to gel – requests for anything outside this range should be regarded in a similar fashion as above.
· The cost of services must not exceed £10. Overall costs may only break this limit with other services such as shave and wash are included.

I have sought out establishments abiding by these rules for years, and while I may never have been the most fashionable man about town I have always been satisfied with the service I have received. No awkward conversations about things I know nothing about, no indecision about choice of cut, no worry about what is actually being rubbed through my hair at the end.

Recently however I walked into a local shop which seemed legit, only to find it was being run by a woman! I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t walk out again – that would be rude – and I really needed to get my hair cut as I was beginning to look like a thug. Luckily she abided by each and every one of the rest of the rules to the letter and I was soon able to forget she was a woman.

The young man she was working on when I entered looked like a tough sort of a fellow. Real rough looking face and tattooed arms. She was giving him a number 2 all over which didn’t lessen the image. As she worked the clippers she discussed the new parking restrictions in force outside her shop.

“Doesn’t affect me – I can’t drive.”

“Sure did I not see you out driving not that long ago?”

“Aye, but I lost my licence.”

“What for? Were you going too fast or something?”

“No it was drunk driving.”

Shocked gasp from the old man with the dog.

“Ah, now that’s not on, is it? What are you doing to your poor ma and da? How do you think they felt when they heard that now?...”

And on she went giving this six foot twelve bruiser a dressing down like he was a naughty school kid (have you ever noticed how naughty school kids don’t actually act the way we say naughty school kids do? – but that’s a side issue.) I was in awe of this woman – she had him under complete control – he was shamefaced, seemingly close to tears, full of remorse. The chances are (and this is going to be pure conjecture) he didn’t show that level of regret in front of the judge.

If I could bottle what she had I could have my pupils under my thumb all day long – even after lunch when they’ve been stuffing e numbers and sugar down their throats. Of course it may have been the fact that she had a very sharp pair of scissors inches from his neck.

it's tough being this famous

I know how it feels to be the Beckhams. It's a frustrating world out there but sometimes you just have to grin and bare it. People say that they chose fame and so have to live with the consequences - constant paparazzi attention, stalkers, snide comments.

Okay, so maybe I'm not on the same scale as David and Victoria or Angelina and Brad - maybe not even on the same planet - but I am familiar with the basic concept. Today I was out for a walk (from my car to Starbucks and back) in Coleraine. I'm lucky in that I live in a different town from the one I work; this means I rarely bump into my pupils outside school hours. When I do you can see them spotting you and slyly nudging their mothers and pointing you out. I, of course, maintain an air of nonchalance as if I haven't noticed them. As they get closer they'll say "hello sir" and smile sweetly. At this point I will allow a smile of recognition cross my face and reply with a suitable greeting as I pass by. Occasionally I'll spot pupils in the distance who will whisper among their friends when they see me and shout some random comment across the road.

Sometimes it is a little irritating but nowhere near as irritating as when they don't recognise me. Today as I was walking through town I passed a pupil with her mother checking out Dorothy Perkins' window. I prepared my dignified nonchalance - but nothing. I walked a little slower to give her more time to recognise me - but nothing. I was in turmoil - I checked my reflection in the mirror in case I had changed appearance or gone invisible.

Which is worse? Being an anonymous face or being jeered at from across the street. I don't rightly know but I am sure of one thing - when I hear someone say that Tom Cruise and Katie whatever-her name-is are not entitled to a private life because they chose to become famous, I may just explain about living in the same town as your pupils.

teaching strategy 101

For ten minutes i have been thumping my chest and leaping in the air with my tongue out. Not common practice for a SN teacher but sometimes I find it helps vent frustration.

It also helps when in a couple of hours I will be teaching my kids to do the All Black haka. It's part of drama - we use it to look at how the Maori people use dance and expression to send out a message of passion, strength and unity. Anyway it's been a few years (and several stone) since I last performed a haka and I thought a bit of rehearsal was in order. Every little break I get I've been trying to remember the moves by practising them over and over again.

The thing is I forgot my room overlooks the Headmaster's study. I spotted him looking in this direction with a concerned expression. If he worried about my state of mind before...

I used my voice - i just don't think anyone heard

So I went and handed in my vote. I won’t say what direction I voted – I know people who read this on both (all?) sides who wouldn’t speak to me for weeks either way. I remember once at a BB Camp telling one of the helpers I had voted a certain way. Within minutes he had announced this to all the other helpers and most of the boys – hardly the most discrete person I’ve met. So much for secret ballots. I wouldn’t have minded so much but I wasn’t actually being serious when I told him… still, reputations are formed on less.

A

nyway, as usual I turned up in the closing minutes of voting. I like to leave it to the last minute in case some reaction to the election changes my mind. There was a volunteer outside the Polling Station who handed me a piece of paper showing how to vote in order to maximise the DUP mandate. He didn’t say anything, try to gauge my intentions. I wanted him to say “I trust you will be supporting the DUP this evening?” I wanted to ask him his policy on education and the environment. I wanted to listen earnestly to his reply then point out that that is the precise reason I wouldn’t be supporting the DUP that evening. He didn’t say anything.

So you know I didn’t vote DUP but that is hardly a surprise. And, in all likelihood, I doubt if they really missed my vote.

Mr Paisley would have proved it is possible to triumph at the ballot box without abandoning religious views considered prehistoric or abhorrent by mainstream Christianity. His website still contains polemics against Roman Catholicism, Billy Graham and Jesus Christ Superstar.
Van Peebles Land

I live in a particularly unionist part of the world. It would be a massive shock if the good Dr’s crowd didn’t match or improve upon their standing in 2003. I reckon it’ll turn out a bit like this:

And if the results do turn out like that I'm going to quit my job immediately and start training to be the next Peter Snow. Despite the fact that it has been one of the lowest-key elections in years with everyone expecting a dead cert and parties lacking motivation for a full out fight there was an impressive turnout. Over 60% in my area. Having said that with minutes remaining there wasn't too much of a queue when I arrived.

I was a long time in the booth – there was quite a queue when I left. It wasn’t that I was finding it tough to come to a final decision – I just found it interesting looking at the list of candidates. For the first time I noticed that five of them – fully one third of the candidates came from the small town in which I teach. Each of the main parties had a candidate from Limavady – as did the Green Party. I didn’t know it was such a political town; well not beyond writing sectarian slogans on walls anyway. Maybe I should pay more attention to the kids I teach – one of them may just represent me in Stormont someday.

planning ahead

I'm thinking of doing a quick circuit round ireland with a camper van, a laptop and a camcorder in the summer. Anyone want to come along for the ride? Anyone want to lend me a camper van?

happy david's day

A very blessed St David's Day to all the welsh folk in Wales, and the non welsh people in Wales, and indeed the Welsh people not in Wales. Not coming from Wales myself I'm not completely sure what it means to you all - is it a bit like St Paddy's day for us? (A chance to break lent for a day and get drunk listening to traditional music and Unionists complaining that the parades are blocking the Queen's highway)I am not the most high profile sender of greetings.

The leader of the free world had this message for you:

On this St David's Day, I send our warmest greetings to the people of Wales from the United States of America... Today, the people of the United States and Wales stand together promoting liberty and equality around the world, but never forgetting the admonition of St David himself to 'do the little things'.

Of course this greeting was one 'little thing' Mr Bush wasn't able to admonish himself. That's what he has Ambassadors for.

But, of all the tributes being paid on this special day, I think my favourite was Sammy Winwards. She posed in a bed of daffodils, some of which had somehow arranged themselves strategically over her rather unclothed body. The photo is of course for for charity - to heighten awareness of Marie Curie and the work they do for terminally ill cancer sufferers. Their annual daffodil appeal is their main fundraising activity and this year they hope to raise £5 million. Check out their site for more details.

I think it's great that you can celebrate the life of St David. The Welsh are a truly caring breed considering the way the English have turfed him out on his ear to California. That uncharitable bunch seem to have forgotten that goal aginst the Greeks and all the good works he does for the unfortunates of the world.

Iechyd da!