flying the union jack

I’ve had an Eoin Paisley moment. Many years ago when Mad Cow Disease was rife throughout mainland United Kingdom the good Dr discovered that there were some advantages to dealing with the enemy. He may have been strongly British but our cows were Irish – if it meant avoiding the sanctions imposed on UK beef exports. Only with me it was the other way round.

I got my credit card statement today – as usual a scary experience. It was made all the more disconcerting when I read one particular item: GOVERNMENT TAX 2006/2007 - £26.79

I was straight on the phone where I was immediately through to someone called Andy… well immediately after I’d listened to a recorded message telling me that I could avoid queues by signing up to the internet account for twenty minutes and entered pi to the tenth decimal point to satisfy some persistent machine demanding numerals – “if you’ve lost the will to live press 3 now”

ANDY: You’re through to MBNA, this is Andy, how can I help you today?

ME: Yeah, um, I was wondering about a charge on my statement.

ANDY: No problem, I’ll just confirm some of your security details and then I’ll get right on to that for you.

[after satisfying his request]

ANDY: Okay, which entry was it specifically?

ME: The one that says Government Tax.

ANDY: [intrigued] Oh yeah, what is that for?

ME: I was hoping you could tell me.

ANDY: Can I put you on hold for just a moment while I check that out for you?

[three minutes of inane computer generated music]

ANDY: That’s a government imposed tax.

ME: Seriously?

ANDY: Yes. The Republic of Ireland Government impose that on all Irish Credit Card holders.

ME: But I’m not from the Republic of Ireland.

ANDY: Aren’t you?

ME: I’m Northern Irish.

ANDY: Oh yeah, and that’s different, isn’t it?

ME: Slightly.

ANDY: Okay, can I put you on hold while I check a couple of things.

[three more minutes of inane music bore into my consciousness]

ANDY: Thank you for holding. When did you change address?

ME: I didn’t. I never lived in the Republic.

ANDY: So why have you got an Irish address?

ME: I don’t.

ANDY: Oh, so you don’t. All of your transactions are in the Republic of Ireland.

ME: I buy my fuel there.

ANDY: You do?

ME: It’s cheaper.

ANDY: Oh.

ME: Is that a problem?

ANDY: Not at all. So you definitely live in the UK?

ME: Yes.

ANDY: Would you mind if I put you on hold while I see what I can do for you.

[MBNA really, REALLY need to change their hold music]

ANDY: All done. That will be credited to your account in your next statement. Odd thing that really. I’ve not seen that before.

ME: Um, no, I suppose not. Thank you for your time.

ANDY: Not at all. Thank you.

I have never been such a unionist in all my life. While UK credit cards avoid extra taxes I’m glad to maintain the old union… unless Irish companies have more imaginative hold music of course.