If you're an English or Welsh cricket fan look away now

Oh joy, oh celebration.I’m almost crying with anticipated sporting joy. Is it because Northern Ireland have qualified for the European Championships? Has my mate Warren got himself a wild card for Wimbledon? Have I recently become the youngest special needs teacher to sail across the Atlantic? No, no and no. I am typing while listening to the England Cricket team capitulate to a series whitewash in the Ashes. They have just been bowled out in their second innings. Glenn McGrath has just taken the last English wicket and Australia need 46 to winI think they might just do it. Just a hunch.

Please don’t think I am an A-OBE (Anyone but England) and I’m not just bitter because the Irish aren’t very good at cricket, or many other sports – I think my dislike for English sporting teams is entirely justified. Let me tell you why.

Living in Northern Ireland, I imagine, is similar to living in Scotland or Canada or New Zealand. We all suffer from big neighbour syndrome and our media tends to be owned by companies from that neighbour. This means that we, in the UK, have to listen to a disproportionate amount of news about the English teams. In the summer it was the English in the soccer world cup – funny how things quietened down markedly after the game against Portugal. Then from, oh October until now it has been the Ashes; the only occasion hyped earlier than Christmas. Our television stations, our newspapers, our radio waves… all saturated with jingoistic cricket coverage.

So you’ll forgive me if I allow myself a little sigh of happiness at the way that coverage went from pride to nervousness to hope to defiance to despair to anger… and now to humiliation. It’s a true pleasure that Americans, Australians and English can never fully understand, watching the mighty falling after so much posturing. I think it’s worse for the English because I think they really believed they were the best team in the world after a fluky Ashes win eighteen months ago. The government quickly handed out honours (for no charge) to everyone involved and the nation cooed over images of drunken young men trying to do interviews whilst remaining standing (but it’s not really binge drinking if it’s celebrating. It’s not a pathetic sight – its endearing.)

We shouldn’t really be surprised; England have form. Think back to 1966. It was glorious, wasn’t it? “Some people are on the pitch…” The highlight of the sporting century. What happened in the next World Cup? What has happened in every World Cup since? I wasn’t born in '66 so I don’t remember the media coverage in the aftermath, but I was around when the English Rugby team won their World Cup – I do remember the gloating and the months of boasting… and I remember what happened to English Rugby soon after – and since. They flopped. The Soccer team peaked and then flopped – the Rugby team peaked and then flopped – so it’s only right that the cricket team do the same.Last night I sat up listening to Geoffrey Boycott becoming more and more confident that that England were going to win this test. He predicted that the England captain would take the new ball and knock the last few Australians out for 20 odd runs. 100 runs later I could hear him choking in the background as the Aussie tail end showed the English how to bat and Shane Warne got the highest score in the match. Boycott has done nothing but whinge for the past month and it was lovely to hear him silenced.

The actual players just showed much more respect and sportsmanship when they formed a guard of honour for the Australian batsmen as they came out for the final innings. If only the media could follow that example and lose with dignity then I might find myself taking the English side more often, I might have more sympathy for that spoilt brat Andrew Murray and I might not laugh every time I watch the English lose in the Six Nations.

For now as I watch Matthew Hayden score the final run to win by 10 wickets, I can do nothing more than pay homage to Glenn McGrath, Shane Warne and Justin Langer. I wish them a happy retirement. They have been incredible sportsmen in a truly great team and they have taken cricket to new heights of professionalism – but more than that, they saved me from weeks of 12 page glossy Ashes pullouts and interviews with drunken Englishmen.