I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now offend the in-laws.

Did I ever tell you how much I dislike weddings? I detest them. I abhor them. I loath them. Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not against the state of marriage in the slightest. It is a wonderful and courageous thing for two people who love each other to commit their futures as one. Its beautiful. Even the ceremony is beautiful. Its the stuff after the ceremony I can't stand. The superfluous dressing that people get so hung up about.

This is on my mind because I have been to so many weddings and wedding parties this year, including one yesterday. At last count it was six about to turn seven. So I feel I can claim to be something of an authority in this area. The trouble is that while I can confidently claim to have attended a large number of weddings and wedding parties I can't claim to have fully entered into the spirit of the occasion. Why? Because I cannot think of any other situation in which I feel less comfortable and natural. I cannot be myself and I find it very difficult to switch on another suitable persona for the day. I try, oh how I try. I do the fixed smile. I do the "What is it you do then? Oh polystyrene cup holder salesman? That must be challenging?" I do the fawning over the dress colour thing - I do everything. However, after half an hour or so I inevitably give up and retreat into my little inner world of wedding loathing. Is that wrong of me?

I got onto this discussion with a young guy from my church this morning. A recent convert to cynicism, he is still a lot closer to taking the plunge than I am. It was an odd moment; two single, wedding hating men, standing outside a church discussing how they would tackle the whole post-ceremony issue were it to arise. His solution got me thinking. He thinks it'd be good to have a barbeque beach party. No seating arrangements, no awkward small talk, no cheesy Shania Twain compilations; just steak (and roast veg for the vegetarians), a quick game of beach cricket, a couple of college friends jamming with a guitar & a set of bongos, and throwing the happy couple into the surf before sunset. Simple, clean and perhaps even fun.

Now I know there are practical considerations to bear in mind. Sand stains are a nightmare to get out of while silk and some older family members might not fancy the cricket; but isn't the concept of making your celebration unique and fun a better one than the same old dark hotel function rooms with cousin Barry spinning the disks? I have to say that despite my vehemence I have been to two or three weddings that I've really enjoyed (even one in a dark hotel function room) but they have been the ones at which people have let their hair down and forgotten all about petty family rivalries. I still remember with fond affection my brother's wedding. I remember dancing like a mad thing in a kilt and watching the oldies and the toddlers ceilidhing along with each other and not a care in the world.

I also remember being a weddings where family members smile sweetly at each other before complaining to those around them that they are 4ft further away from the top table than the 'other set'. Sad. Its amazing how these occasions can be more political than a UN summit. Who sits with who? Who do we have to invite because they invited us? Who can't we serve chicken to because of that unfortunate incident last summer?

I know which I preferred and I know which I entered into more. And I know what I would chose if the moment ever arose for me. Bring on the sand and cricket. Weather permitting.