I love the Independent. I buy it most days – mainly for Miles Kington’s column and the TV guide. I don’t watch much TV but I read the independent TV guide every day. It has to be the most cruelly honest appraisal of the night’s watching available and generally reminds me why I don’t watch much TV. Here are just a few selections from recent editions.
BBC2
6:00 Eggheads. Remorseless quiz show loop fronted by Dermot Murnaghan.
6:30 Animal Park. There’s a lion, we’re told, that likes to climb trees. Well I never.
7:00 Seawatch. Another chance to see this underwhelming nature documentary, in which Kate Humble becomes inaudible beneath a diving mask.
9:30 Supernova. Rob Brydon’s less-than-super bush comedy.
10:00 Billy Connolly’s Tour. The halfway point in the big yawn’s tour brings him to London.
ITV
7:00 Emmerdale. Matthew reveals the truth about Sadie’s involvement in the JCB incident. You know, the JCB incident.
7:00 Emmerdale. The Dingles face police questioning; which must win some sort of prize for unoriginal storylining.
7:30 Go North West. Eamonn O’Neal is in Cumbria trying firefighting and glass-blowing. At the same time?
8:00 House of Horrors. A dodgy gas fitter and the team responsible for a botched loft conversion find television fame.
11.00 Surveillance City. CCTV-footage-recycling scheme.
11:35 Club Reps. Happily optional.
11:35 Club Reps. They’re rehearsing cabaret at Playa del Ingles, in case your day hasn’t been bad enough.
Ch 4
6:30 Hollyoaks. Mel is full of optimism on the first day of her new job, the poor child.
6:30 Hollyoaks. Louise begins preparations for her departure. Sounds like its going to be a long drawn out affaire.
9:30 The Law of the Playground. Vic Reeves, Justin Lee Collins, Alan Carr et al recall PE lessons and playground smoking. You kind of wish they’d just forget about it.
10:55 Sugar Rush. Lazzzt in series.
10:00 Big Brother. Don’t worry, it’s nearly all over.
11:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth. Man of the moment Russell Brand is the host.
Five
6:00 Home and Away. Sally tries to help Alf get back to normal. Why?
6:30 Pimp my Ride UK. A rusty 1989 Volkswagen Golf is given red leather interior and heated massaging seats. Is that a cure for rust?
8:00 Getting on the Property Ladder. Tony Jacobs comes to the aid of a Manchester couple who are looking for their first home together with a budget of £95,000. The words “good luck” spring to mind.
But my favourite listings are reserved for one particular show:
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton are marooned with the dud reality show.
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton report from the unloved island.
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton bring us the latest tedium from Fiji.
11:00 Love Island. Welcome back gluttons for punishment.
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton from Boost My Career Island.
10:00 Love Island. It’s a bit like waiting for pandas to mate, only not so worthwhile.
BBC2
6:00 Eggheads. Remorseless quiz show loop fronted by Dermot Murnaghan.
6:30 Animal Park. There’s a lion, we’re told, that likes to climb trees. Well I never.
7:00 Seawatch. Another chance to see this underwhelming nature documentary, in which Kate Humble becomes inaudible beneath a diving mask.
9:30 Supernova. Rob Brydon’s less-than-super bush comedy.
10:00 Billy Connolly’s Tour. The halfway point in the big yawn’s tour brings him to London.
ITV
7:00 Emmerdale. Matthew reveals the truth about Sadie’s involvement in the JCB incident. You know, the JCB incident.
7:00 Emmerdale. The Dingles face police questioning; which must win some sort of prize for unoriginal storylining.
7:30 Go North West. Eamonn O’Neal is in Cumbria trying firefighting and glass-blowing. At the same time?
8:00 House of Horrors. A dodgy gas fitter and the team responsible for a botched loft conversion find television fame.
11.00 Surveillance City. CCTV-footage-recycling scheme.
11:35 Club Reps. Happily optional.
11:35 Club Reps. They’re rehearsing cabaret at Playa del Ingles, in case your day hasn’t been bad enough.
Ch 4
6:30 Hollyoaks. Mel is full of optimism on the first day of her new job, the poor child.
6:30 Hollyoaks. Louise begins preparations for her departure. Sounds like its going to be a long drawn out affaire.
9:30 The Law of the Playground. Vic Reeves, Justin Lee Collins, Alan Carr et al recall PE lessons and playground smoking. You kind of wish they’d just forget about it.
10:55 Sugar Rush. Lazzzt in series.
10:00 Big Brother. Don’t worry, it’s nearly all over.
11:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth. Man of the moment Russell Brand is the host.
Five
6:00 Home and Away. Sally tries to help Alf get back to normal. Why?
6:30 Pimp my Ride UK. A rusty 1989 Volkswagen Golf is given red leather interior and heated massaging seats. Is that a cure for rust?
8:00 Getting on the Property Ladder. Tony Jacobs comes to the aid of a Manchester couple who are looking for their first home together with a budget of £95,000. The words “good luck” spring to mind.
But my favourite listings are reserved for one particular show:
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton are marooned with the dud reality show.
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton report from the unloved island.
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton bring us the latest tedium from Fiji.
11:00 Love Island. Welcome back gluttons for punishment.
10:00 Love Island. Patrick Kielty and Ferne Cotton from Boost My Career Island.
10:00 Love Island. It’s a bit like waiting for pandas to mate, only not so worthwhile.
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