our survey says "NART NAW"

I generally read three papers a day. At least one tabloid, one broadsheet and a random pick. It's not that I feel a desire to keep up with what is going on in the world or that I long for balanced knowledge. I just want to read about all the ridiculous surveys that fill leftover news space. There's a new one everyday. I love them - either they state the ridiculously obvious (87% of people believe Apple Mac charge more for their computers simply because they look good) or come up with a completely unbelievable result to gain publicity. They range from the faux serious (who would you vote for if all the respective candidates had sex changes) to the... frankly bizarre.

Yesterday was a particularly good day for surveys. Two caught my attention immediately. The first was the radio times list of worst ever programmes. These are the same respected experts who discovered that Lorraine Kelly had the sixth most loved voice on TV... ?!?! Today's survey was widely publicised in all areas of the press; tabloid, broadsheet and broadcast. It was mainly just another excuse to show pictures of Keith Chegwin unclothed, as his show Naked Jungle won the honour of being named the worst show in history (This despite the fact that it gave Channel 5 their highest viewing figures to that point - what does that say about our viewing discernment?) Here are the top ten (or bottom ten) as compiled by TV “expert” John Naughton (accompanying comments are his, not mine)

The top 10 Worst Bristish TV Shows
1) Naked Jungle - Cheggers bears all with a bunch of naturists
2) Minipops - Music videos with children in make up
3) Triangle - Soap opera about a ferry
4) Quckfire Balls - Bingo style gameshow
5) Annie's Bar - Dire soap set in parliament watering hole. A Prince Edward production
6) Wright Here, Wright Now - Ian Wright: great frontman for Arsenal, not for music show
7) Love Thy Neighbour - comedy about black couple living next to white bigot
8) Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends - Ringo Starr's narration "nauseating"
9) Through the Keyhole - Lloyd Grossman in celebrity homes
10) A Year in Provence - "Disastrous" Peter Mayle adaption

Mr Chegwin didn’t seem too worried about the result:

"I think it's an honour - it's something to be proud of that people are still talking about it now, but I knew it would come back to haunt me again one day".

He also made a comment about how he only had a small part in the success of the show – perhaps an unfortunate choice of words.

The other survey I found fascinating was a little harder to find. It was to be located in a tiny portion of a column on page eleven of a single tabloid paper. It shocks me that it wasn’t more widely reported. This was a survey carried out to discover whom women fantasise about. It’ll come as no shock to you that firemen came high up and that politicians were down among the likes of milkmen further down the league. I myself was surprised to see who came out on top – gardeners. The paper put it down to the desperate housewives effect. I have several friends who are gardeners (though they call themselves landscape gardeners) and I would personally be shocked if anyone (other than their wives) fantasised about them – no disrespect guys. To make matters worse builders came second (must be the bum crack) But the biggest surprise of all was who carried out this survey.

So who, I hear you ask, carried out this piece of scientific research? Ugov? ICM? Gallup? No, it was carried out by none other than Budget Van Insurance?! Why?

It makes no sense to me. The Radio Times survey was relevant – even if the press release was a little self defeating; I no longer need to actually buy the magazine – the full results have been published everywhere. What have women’s fantasies got to do with van insurance? Do women fantasise about van insurerers? Or even van drivers? Maybe women van drivers risk damaging their vehicles by fantasising while driving down the M2. It boggles.

Maybe I’m just bitter that special needs teachers weren’t up there. I would have imagined that, as caring and obviously sensitive types, we’d be challenging at the top of the table. What’s wrong with you women?